After you’ve cried in the shower, contemplated a major career change, and come dangerously close to cutting your own bangs, you might be finally ready to reach out to your ex. Whether you’re trying to start things up again or just want them to stop using your mom’s Hulu account, knowing how to text an ex can help you navigate the awkwardness.
According to Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and author of Joy from Fear, if you find yourself thinking “Should I text my ex?,” it’s important that you know why. “When you are clear on your goals and needs, you will be able to be clear with your ex on what you are seeking,” Dr. Manly tells Bustle. “If your ex has needs that are aligned with yours, the outcome can be very positive in the short term and the long term.”
Are you tired of not being able to send them funny memes and want to start a friendship? Do you still sleep in their shirt and daydream about getting married in a converted warehouse? Are you trying to make out? Whatever the case, being transparent about your intentions before hitting send can help you have a more productive conversation with your ex. Keep in mind that in some of these situations, they may not want to reply to you — and that’s OK.
Below, 36 things to say to your ex in a text, based on the reason you’re reaching out.
If You Need To Apologize...
Breakups don’t always bring out the best in us. But if some time has passed and you’ve changed your perspective, you may want to reach out. If you’re contacting your ex to apologize, try to keep things short and simple. There’s no need to play the blame game or exchange too many pleasantries — especially if your ex doesn’t want to chat.
If you feel like you need to apologize, own up to your part in the breakup and give them the space to talk if they want to. “After you’ve said your piece, invite your ex to share anything they might feel they’d like to get off their shoulders,” Sarah Falk, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker, previously told Bustle. Express what you did wrong, say you’re sorry, and wish them well moving forward. You might even be able to get some shared closure on the breakup.
When You’re Trying To Hook Up...
If you’re trying to hook up with your ex, keep things short and flirty without going over the top. Jumping in with a steamy pic definitely isn't the best move. If you find yourself thinking “I want to text my ex,” remember that not everyone is going to have a Bennifer 2.0 arc. Even if you don’t necessarily want to get back together with your ex, be conscious about how they might feel about the situation, too.
And as licensed therapist Heidi McBain, MA, LPC, RPT, previously told Bustle, check in with yourself to make sure you’re not jumping back into something that is unhealthy. "Make sure you have taken some time to work on yourself and gain a better perspective about what happened and your part in it, so you do not repeat the same patterns again and again with this same partner," McBain said. That being said, if you and your ex are on good terms and are open to hooking up, go for it.
When You’re Generally Checking In...
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Maybe you don’t really know what type of relationship you want with your ex, but you know you miss hearing from them and genuinely want to know how everything is going. Just keep in mind that they might not want to reply based on how things ended or how they are choosing to heal from the split. "Reach out when you are ready, but don't expect a response," Shan Boodram, author, certified sex educator, and host of Facebook Watch's Make Up or Break Up, previously told Bustle. "Everyone is entitled to their own method of mending.”
When you’re trying to generally check in, send a casual, low stakes text about a recent event or shared experience.
To Get Them Off Your Netflix Account (Or To Get Your Stuff Back)...
In a perfect world, you’d never have to talk to your ex again if you didn’t want to, but in this world, you may need to get your shoes back. When you’re not trying to chat but you logistically need something from your ex, keep things polite but firm. Ask for what you need and let them know your plans for getting it back.
That being said, if they are unresponsive, sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on by removing them (and maybe a thing or two of yours) from your life, even if it is incredibly frustrating. “Turn your attentions to other important intimate and valued relationships, and engage with them instead,” Dr. Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the How Can I Help? podcast, previously told Bustle. “Focusing on yourself and finding the right relationship fit helps rebuild any weakened self-esteem you may be feeling after the breakup.” After all, passwords can be changed and new things can be bought.
When You Want To End Contact For Good...
If you’re just trying to let the past stay in the past, set your boundaries unapologetically. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to end conversation permanently with an ex for your own healing journey — just make sure you communicate it. "Be honest and upfront without being cruel," Pricilla Martinez, dating and life coach, previously told Bustle. "Strike a balance between being kind and firm, but be clear. If you’re leaving room for interpretation, you’re not helping them get the closure they need."
Sources:
Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and author of Joy from Fear
Alexandra Emery, PhD, a licensed psychologist
Sarah Falk, LCSW. a licensed clinical social worker
Heidi McBain, MA, LPC, RPT, licensed therapist
Shan Boodram, author, certified sex educator, and host of Facebook Watch's Make Up or Break Up
Dr. Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the How Can I Help?
Pricilla Martinez, dating and life coach
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This article was originally published on May 4, 2021
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